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Catholic SchoolGirlzzz gone Wild

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18th March 2007

2:33pm: you should try living with two miserable problem-drinkers who you're responsible for seeing after basically every second of your life. imagine carrying your mother to bed 2 or 3 nights out of every week because she's too drunk to make up the stairs by herself. think about what it's like to come from work at 9:30 at night to see your mother passed out in a drunken stupor on your couch to find out your father isn't home yet and you don't really know when he'll be back. so you put her to bed, you fold your laundry or you clean up the kitchen, you do your homework. by now it's 11:30, you're still up, listening to your angry, eartless 15 year old brother complain about how you're such a fat ugly fucking asshole and he hopes you die. you take a shower, break down while you're in there, crying tears so painful that you feel them on your face even with the hot water hitting it. you dry off, beating up your fat and useless body, purple and pale and veiny and cold. you stare down at your massively swollen, ice cold, bright blue calves, and wonder how something so defective and diseased can carry your weight around all day. you try to breathe in and you feel the constriction in your chest, the lightheadedness that comes when you stand for too long, and know that you're dying the slowest death anyone has ever died. you decide to get ahead on your AP Biology work, you read your chapters like a good, conscientious student. it is now 12:30 am. your father still has not come home. you go downstairs to the liquor cabinet, select a mixer from the wine fridge, make yourself a nice strong drink because all you've ever learned from mom and dad is self-destruction and self-medication. you limp back upstairs, where many sleepless hours find you, staring up at the ceiling, court tv on silent, giving the room a creepy glow. you take your OTC sleep aid, and it doesn't help. you haven't eaten for days because the 3 fucking antidepressants you're on make you into a sleepless, hunger-less zombie. The rest of your life confronts you suddenly like a train speeding along a track. Your parents have forced you into going to Assumption, despite your acceptances into far better, far more important colleges. In a house where money is no object, your parents have cheaped out on your fucking education and selfishly are sending you to the school which has given you an exorbitant scholarship. 1:30 rolls by, you hope you die. You have to get up for school tomorrow morning, WHY CAN'T I SLEEP rolling through your mind. Finally, mercifully-you hear the lock clicking at 2:30 am, hear him trudging up the stairs, drunk as hell, dragging his own dead leg behind him. Great...relief. finally...or so you think. Text message from Jake... God...why now? And now it all starts ripping through your brain cells in the dark of the early morning-people you've loved, people you've lost, things you've left behind, the places you've gone, the places you're going, your inadequacy, your longing, the fact the only commitment you have EVER made in your life was to booze...and the eternal, pounding question:why?

why all of this? we'll never know. 18 years has taught me one thing-we're all trying to be something we never were. i know myself about as ell as i know a neighbor down the street-i.e. not at all. i have no idea what i'm capable of until i do it-the anger in me is shocking, and it comes flaring out of this disjointed, indifferent, emotionless thing like a wayward meteor.i key cars and break things and leave cans of spaghettios on doorsteps out of a sheer impotence to resolve myself. i'm a loner, floating between lives and friends and groups and situations like a ghost, the only thing i really HAVE is my drink and my cigarette and some falsified material item, as if a 40,000 dollar car or a 1,000 dollar purse provides the substance and sel;f-essence i've lacked all my life.
i'm a victim of spinelessness, of this flawed and fucked up generation. my shrink tells me i'm desensitized, that the genetics and environment has given me a keen propensity for self-destruction, my downfall ensured the way dawn inevitably comes every morning.

i guess i like to have my heart ripped out...at least i know i'm still alive that way. i'm lost without pain...i've spent so long with it that without it i don't know who i am...there would be no reason to slurp up fermented liquids and search out psychological drugs to sniff up like a crack fiend. the day i'm not on the edge, a step away from falling off and plunging to my death is the day i actually die. i could never be what i think is me without being a fragmentary, unsolvable, confusing piece of work. it's all i've known; it's too hard to live without it.

(2SmOke oNes | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

4th March 2007

3:52pm: I have a problem. I have always had a problem. I've had problems since I was born, since forever. I was made incomplete, defective, fucked up, ruined. I've tried to be okay-sometimes i succeed for periods of time, sometimes i fail miserably, sometimes i am just in psychological limbo and it's like being a ghost of a person. no amount of therapy or medication can help me or fix me. it covers it up for awhile, but inevitably, these dark and awful thoughts come rising to the surface like dead bodies thrown in the lake without bricks. nothing anyone says helps because they don't understand how it feels to wake up every day of your life SO ANGRY that you awoke in the first place and so disgusted with the essential self that you are. i try to be nice to people-but then they just walk all over me and use me. i try to defend myself-but then people call me a bitch and talk shit about me. i try to find a comfortable medium and it is impossible. you all have ridiculous expectations of everyone else. the truth is it isn't high school's fault-it's life's. it's the worlds. i try to stop this, to control it, to cover it up. and it does work. when i drink, when i am drunk, i am a much more socially able and normal version of myself-i talk to people and i laugh and i smile and i have a good time and i shrink out of the corner and venture out into the world a little bit more and people LIKE me, really LIKE me, for the first time in my life. all the friends i've ever made i've made through drinking. so then who are you to try and take away from me the one thing that helps? you don't know me, you never did, so don't pretend to. you've got no right to sit around with your boys and speculate on the reasons behind my shitface-i assure you that very little of it has to do with you. after all the shit you talked about me 100% straight in the locker room i feel i deserve to shit all over you. but just you and jake remillard-never anyone else. i've never been hurt by anyone the way i was hurt by him and by you. so yes, when i say all these awful things about you, it's easy for you to dismiss them as drunken shit talk. but i mean so much of it. and this isn't to make you feel bad, no...i don't want your fake apologies and your fake sympathy and your fake concern. you know what you did and i know what i did and that's the end of it-i was NICE to you. and you took my kindness, and you twisted it and made me feel so AWFUL about myself that i now took off on some sick path to self-destruction. and i know it was you who opened your mouth about what happened that friday night almost three years ago, because the other two who were there have proved their innocence through friendship and genuine concern for this problem-and i know you didn't create it, i never said you did. but you gave me the push i needed to go over the edge, and years later you're still pushing me-as if i need to move another millimeter to fall off the cliff and into hell forever. no one can save me so they should stop trying. my life is over, worthless, done. i loved most of you, i did. and i'm sorry. i'm sorry it's all ending like this.

(1SmOke oNe | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

3rd November 2006

1:01am: you aren't him, you never will be...that's why i love you.

you can't ever turn into what he is now, you're already over that, and looking forward...you are my greatest secret, my most treasured...and you told me so recently that i'm yours. i suppose that this...us...what we're doing...people might say it was wrong, sick and twisted...but no, i don't think it can be.
you see right through the face i paint on every day; you look as deep as you have to to find me....and i love you, beyond all comprehension and belief and meaning. it hasn't even hit me, yet, all of this...but if i had known how you felt some three years ago, everything could have been done differently-it might have been better for us both. i want to tell everyone how great you are-i want to scream it in he halls and yell in the cafeteria. i WANT people to know but at the same time you are the best lie i have ever told and the most beautiful game of pretend i ever imagined...i never thought that something so small, so nonchalant could give way to this landslide of affection. i wish i had known earlier what it was like to be cuddled in your arms, away fron the world, just you and i and our meaningful conversation and the level of comfort and understanding...so please don't ever tell, don;t open that mouth of yours. i love things the way they are, i like how it is. i like that no one knows-no one....and i never, ever want them to....your hopefully expectant face, gazing at me through the hall each morning is what keeps me going to school...because without you i'd think there would be no real reason...your silly texts from a different classroom...your notes slipped into my bag or my locker...you are making my senior year better than i possibly imagined...i don't know what this is-if it's for the long run or something sweet just for now, but i guess what you said is true...forever isn't so long with the right person. maybe it's you?? maybe i'm yours?? i hope so...after all, i guess no one has ever gone to lengths such as these for someone like me...but you have. and i...well i think i love you for it...i love yyou for nt being jake, for being nothing like him...i love you for trying to fix me instead of break me...and i guess only time can tell what will happen...but thank you. i love you.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

3rd October 2006

11:34pm: There's nothing that says "you're a hopeless fuck up, a depressive headcase" more clearly than having a teacher-someone who's had daily contact with you for 4 years-look you in the face and ask "are you OKAY?"

And to that, I said "No, I'm not."

And I'm not. I pray I'll get to go soon. It woud make it far easier on everyone.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

20th September 2006

4:50pm: it took him months, years...of carefully calculated, well-planned, flawless psychological games...to hurt me the way he did. you....it takes you no effort at all...every empty look and every breathless sigh is another plunging of the knife into my back...a lifetime of lacerations, but you have finally made them bleed. i hate you, with a fiery passion. i hate you unlike anyone i have ever hated before....i hate you more than him, a realization that has seemed unlikely for the last three and a half years. my distaste for you is crippling, all consuming, neverending. i fantasize about you burning in hell, for all that i thought you might be and for everything that you ARE NOT now. i once thought of you with warmth, sympathy-as a friend. 

you're not a friend...you're no one's friend but your own and i loathe the day when 
you suck all these other perfectly good people into your carefully articulated web
of bullshit. i have no regret for anything i'm saying. you are not who you say you are,
not what you pretend to be, nothing at all. you are a liar, a fake...a fraud.
trust me-it takes one to know one.

(1SmOke oNe | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

30th August 2006

12:48am: uh-huh
Mmm this is quite productive...It is technically wednesday now. I have successfully completed two of my 5 summer reading essays, and i find myself fat lazy and unmotivated to finish the other 3. I am a procrastinative bitch. Oh well. I have also had a very interesting day. After making peace with my shamu-like bod this morning, i proceeded to pump 150 dollars into our fledgling economy through acrylic nails, gas, and the purchase of a rather lavish gift for my parents. and oh yes, dare i forgot a pack of ciggzzzz and a diet coke. i am now broke, with $ 36 in my savings, $ 60 in my checking, and $40 in cash. go me.
I had a salad with kasie today. Still am a shamu.
I saw the fucker as well today, for the first time in quite some time. I have now finally realized how small and unattractive he really is. His nose is large and it had humps, he has chipmink cheeks, and he weighs about 2.6 pounds. and is maybe 3.8 feet tall. Next to him, I am godzilla-bitch. And I told him as much, just in kinder words so as not to wound his feelings. He also is a mostly terrible kisser and no longer excites me. in any way, shape, or form. i would rather die then allow him to touch me, look at me, or remove articles of my clothing in his presence. nevermind sex. i would certainly rather die a painful death than do that. no, if sex with him became necessary, i'd kill myself before it could even happen. it's funny how quickly and suddenlly feelings change.

now, some ridiculous survey which seemed fun.

Soundtrack of my life:

Opening credits: Jesus on the Radio-Guster
Waking up: only the good die young-billy joel
Average day: the girl next door-blink 182
First date: smile-weezer
Falling in love: wonderwall-oasis
Love scene: collide-howie day
Fight scene: what you say-sugarcult
Breaking up: jake-lisa loeb
Getting back together: love song-311/the cure
Secret love: makedamnsure- taking back sunday
Life's okay: carousel-blink 182
Mental breakdown: a decade under the influence-taking back sunday
Driving: why georgia-john mayer
Learning a lesson: you're so vain-carly simon
Deep thought: brick-ben folds five
Flashback: one-man wrecking machine-guster
Partying: connecticut's for fucking-jesus h. christ
Happy dance:   hotel california-eagles
Regreting: just another-pete yorn
Long night alone:  dakota-stereophonics
Death scene:  hate me-blue october
Closing credits: flake-jack johnson

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

29th July 2006

8:49pm: for the first time in a very long time, i feel pleased with myself. proud to be me. for once. finally.
not talking to that pathetic fucktard formerly known as jake has made, in my self-confidence, a world of difference.
i'm happy. i wake up in the morning excited at the prospect of being alive, when there would be nights i'd be terrified
at the prospect of waking up.
i guess i have learned alot about myself in the last two or three months. certainly, i've grown up.
i no longer am obsessed with my image, how i appear to others. i stopped squeezing myself into popularly labeled jeans
that simply don' fit. i've decided to care about caring so much.
more importantly, my week at camp sunshine has taught me a lifetime of lessons. i have a deep sense of what it means to truly
give of yourself. spending time with children, is, I've come to realize, the one thing that I derive real and tangible joy from. And I intend to give back and to help 
all children-every child, ill or not-as much as I can. It's a contribution to the future which will have a lasting effect.
I'm excited at this newly discovered direction that I have in my life. I feel at peace with myself, an with others.
I love God. I think continually about the gift of this magical life he's given to me. And I'm pumped at the future uses and charitable effects
my existance could have.
I love my Mommy and My Daddy, who I realize is lucky to be alive...I'm happy that we're closer, that I can finally be a friend to him and not just a person. I love my Philby and my Tub-Tub.
I love my dog. I love Kasie and Jess and Lizzie and Briana and Nick and Katie.
I love my job. I love the girls who work there.
I'm really happy.
I love me.
The greatest surprise I got came Wednesday in the mail.
In addition to my SAT score of 1900, I got my AP scores back.
I got a 5, both on History and English.
And after so many years of being thought of as "dumb" "ditzy" "laxidaisical" "disinterested" "disorganized" or "procrastinative" I think I've now finally proven to all of those-everyone-who ever doubted me or thought me stupid,
I am not any of those things. And I'm so proud that I can say that with absolute certainty.

(1SmOke oNe | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

9th July 2006

12:34pm: i used to, once...a very long time ago...i used to thik you were perfect and that if we were together, life would be perfect and i would be happy. as i get older, and wiser, and i learn more and see more, i start to understand that's not how it is at all. for so long, you were this beautiful illusion to me, and i thought you were so kind and so intelligent and so focused. then december came and went, and i realized that someone who fails out of college-someone with the potential you had-is not someone i want to be withat all. the saddest thing you'll ever come to realize in your lifetime is i would have loved you forever, until the very second that i died, if you hadn't pushed me so far away that i now can't find a way back to you. you might not be sad now, you might not be sad for a little bit. when i stop returning your calls or answering your texts or popping up at work, you might just think it's because i'm busy or i went somewhere or did my dissapearing act again.
and maybe i did.
but i won't promise you again that i'll always come back.
and i'm not mad at you-i have always said that i would never be mad at you.
what i am is dissapointed.
good luck with your life, but the idea of me ending up with a shoe salesman doesn't fit in with the reality of my future.
i loved you once....

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

8th May 2006

8:39am: i hate school. kill me. NOW.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

13th April 2006

12:25pm: leaving you
dear jake,

lately i keep remembering the summer we met. nothing specific about us, but smaller things which come together overrall to remind me of the fact that there is a broken, shattered space in my heart that would only like to be glued together with you. i remember my hair in the breeze, then it was honey blonde. i remember your cologne, on your white undershirt. i remember the sun, just as it was starting to set, and the way it made shadows across parking lots. i remember alot of things...but no matter how hard i try, i can never remember you. because what you were and what you are now are two completely different things which can never be forgiven or made better. After three years, the pain caused by the space you made in my life has finally either gotten so bad or numbed me so much that i no longer felt it. in fact, i feel nothing, not sadness or love, not even for you. that's why when left your house the other day, when i walked out into the late afternoon, with the sun the way it was, the air warm, my hair-almost black now, with the light catching the burgundy in it-that's why i didn't look back. I unlocked my car-i drive now, that's how old i am-and i got into it. and i was relieved, and angry at the same time. Inside, it smelled like your cologne.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

30th March 2006

8:21am: dear jake,

i hate you. i hate the way i let myself hate you. i would like not to be such an angry person. but i can't because you made me that way...sort of. you made it worse. i was angry before i met you, that i will admit. i hope to hell you threw away that valentine's day card that i suspiciously stuck under your windshield wiper in the middle of the fucking night because if you didn't and you read it then i should just not bother writing this. secretly, i hope you die...i fantasize about you dying. i fantasize about you being out of my life for good. when my mom said we might go to kentucky, i was thrilled inside. i would live in a bigger house and drive a bigger more expensive car and have more expensive shit and my life would be fantastically empty and you would be GONE GONE GONE!!!!!! i hate you!!!!!!! when i saw you last night at mcdonalds i wanted to take your number three with a coke and throw it in your goddamn fucking face. just because it would make me feel better. you know, in my time of need, you can't even be there for me. yet you say you don't love me but i don't see how that's true since you clearly found the note then came to find me and came to find if there was anything left here worth looking for. there isn't. don't waste your time....if i had known that you were mine, i wouldn't have wasted MY time. i like it when we fight. i never told you that before either. BUT I LOVE IT. i love to yell at you and call you all sorts of names and throw in your face that you are a failure at life. would it kill you to hug me?? would it kill you to show a little kindness to me? obviously...i came home last night, in the darkness. actually no, i left work feeling unhappy and broken. i went to circuit city with matt to get my camera then i drove home. it was nice to be alone, finally. i mean sure, sometimes i like it at work because at least there's people there, unlike my house and my life, which is always empty....when i came home, it was quiet. beyond quiet. dead silent. so i took a shower. it's not so nice to smell like the french fries you just crammed in your mouth two hours earlier. i suddely felt sort of sick, i guess, because i know that whatever you were out doing then it couldn't have been good because i hadn't heard from you yet when i ASKED you to cal me...did you? no. you NEVER do.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

6th March 2006

11:11pm: hey...tell me where i go wrong.
so ok...this has been my life lately. school. home. change. food. work. food. sleep. shower. school.
you get the idea. redundancy is my life. it is not interrupted by anything. even if that thing were stress,bad,
or drama, it would be better than nothing. the only thing to illicit emotion is money. i feel i can't please anyone
enough no matter how hard i try. it's amazing how sometimes, a word is like a small knife into you. i cry in school
if someone breathes the wrong way. i cry at work if the customer doesn't smile, and that goes for both jobs...and i look
silly crying at both places. at justice, they console me with candy and sympathy, and at mcdonalds if i cry eric huffs about complaining
i need to get my "priorities" straight and mabel yells and tells me to go cry over a boyfriend i don't have and never will because every boy
i've ever known either kills my feelings or takes my money and that's not a healthy relationshop is it? i considered developing an eating disorder
recently. a. because i feel fat and disgusting and b. because it would bring some excitement into my lifestyle. so now i am going to choose to be
a weight control freak. it's a sort of contest for myself. if i can drop 20 pounds in a month, then maybe i'll buy myself something. if not, then i'll see
how many hours i can go without eating, etc. it will be interesting. maybe fun. i don't know.
i am bored.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

24th February 2006

11:32pm: heartbreak hotel
i am not happy, i am not fun, i'm not excited for anything at all. every day is exactly the same thing-miserable in
school in an ill-fitting, ugly uniform staring at my fat ugly legs and sitting through a few classes which at least
pique my interest somewhat...then leaving school, fat bloated and needing a nap, worn out and sniffling, and going to
my brand-new house which is just as cold and as empty as the one before it, and planning some sort of outfit for whichever job i'm
going to that day. if i'm not sick and nauseous and shaky from lack of caffeine at mcdonalds, i am cold and sad and tired at justice
in some trendy outfit dressing up trendier little-girl mannequins. the weekends are the same-check on friday, into the bank...then i
close at justice, come home, collapse into bed and drag myself up again at 7 or 8 the next morning to go to justice again...come home,
go shopping, cry, clean, do laundry...otherwise waste away my saturday night....then i drag myself out of bed at 5:30 or 6 on sunday
to be yelled at by mabel and annoyed by eric all through breakfast rush at mcdonalds...why do i do it? i will never know....i am living
high-life in terms of clothes and purses and my car...these days, dropping a 100 on any given day is no big deal. i bought my very own
gigantic coach bag the other day...i ordered a Gucci bracelet...parker is full of gas and sparkly clean though the snow will end the
sparkle pretty soon...but i am missing everything. devoid of emotion, even sadness or depression, i am just cold. colorless. i realize that
i wear more makeup now that i ever have before. i put on bronzer stick, powder bronzer, eye base, eye shadow, eyeliner, eye highlighter, mascara,
lip gloss....it still can't hide that i'm covering up a death mask. i'm looking more like a stripper each day...there's small wrinkles at my eyes,
my hair straightens easily now. i have my purse and room and car organized to the last detail. even my life. i have all my schoolwork done, everything.
initiative, ambition, regret, redundancy....i don't know the driving force behind it all....i barely use AIM now. before it was m life. i turn my cell
phone off for days and don't think twice. and i'm so proud that i've finally come to dread 2 a.m. drunken phone calls....jake is nothing to me now,
nothing....it's like he never existed. i could care less to see him or hear his voice....i guess that eric had really been it, so now that the answer is a loud
clear no, rejection for the last time, i am really over it, really done. i'm not wallowing, no...i'm not sad. i don't cry. i'm not a bitch to him, or to anyone
else....there's just no color, no warmth, no more energy. even college holds no great promise, because i realize it'll be holy name all over again except i can work
during the day and at night.lifewill be the same, i will still be cold, confused, lost, and lonely. i'll remain boyfriendless, friendless, quiet, an overworker with
my 3.8 GPA and i'll go on to medical school....wishing all along for him....and why? has jake been nothing all this time?

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

14th February 2006

11:15pm: a darker sort of light
tell me where i went wrong,
i'll come back right
tell me what i said that hurt
i'll change the words around so they don't sound so true
i won't make it true,
i'll stop telling it
i'll lie to you and to myself
more than i already do
it'll make our realities easier to relate to
or easier to dream about
today was cold, it was sunny
my car had washer fluid in it
but the windshield was still smudged
it's alot lie the outlo on life right now, too
i wrote out that card too quickly
and before i knew it
my mercedes had led me straight to mcdonalds
i question it, still
is this thing dangerous,
i'm playing with a heart
and we all know how that can just blow up in our faces
why would i take a chance again
except to realize i want to
i want him
even while wanting you
it's a contradiction, i drove down grafton street
stopping at your door
leaving the pink paper under your windshield wiper
i hope you found it before god ruined my beautiful mistake
and caused a strong wind to blow it away
he would do that for me
god and me are friends...
looking to the sky....i prayed
every letter would be a cigarette lighter to the ice of your heart
meanwhile, less than 2 minutes down the street
he is holding a stuffed bumblebee in his hands
with my promises written all over it
i'm quite talented, really
because i lied to you, it was all acting
you were just a character role
he is not....
and i think i love him
so i wish you'd die, or fall into a coma, or develop a serious illness
i'd like to watch you suffer thru the loneliness
which is my reason and your excuse
you'd never let me love you....
i was wearing red and black today,
mostly to impersonate cupid
but they are your favorite
colors, i mean...
when we both die, i think it will be together
or we'll never die
we'll live on our miserable lives
brie larson is singing to me at justice tonight...
putting away the jeans, she tells me
"i can't keep reaching out
if the way you choose to see me now,
becomes a cross i have to bear...
not when i keep falling down your stairs..."
i shuffle back to the registers, pointy toe shoes on my feet
i bought them in saratoga the first year,
when you were a drug as new to me as opium
i remember wearing them to dinner,
and talking to my buddy god, asking him to make you call me
i snuck into scribner library that night,
to email you at your then-job
you're stupid to think all of this,
or are you
am i?
the pictures were so pretty when they were yours
now they're awful, ugly, bright, vivid, tawdry
it's like you and me
dull but painful
after all this time
and think about....
he's flipping burgers you're going to eat
and i want him,
for the first time in 3 years
i'm asking god to make him call me

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

24th January 2006

11:30pm: don't let me go yet
it was a friday night, not as painfully cold as the other nights have been, and there was snow on the ground.
i had worked right before, as usual, like i always do. the truth is i work so as not to focus my wasted heart
on you and the things i'd much rather be doing with you as opposed to working two dead-end minimum wage jobs
with nothing except a brand-new mercedes and a closet full of the most expensive clothing and handbags and
shoes i could possibly own. i don't question whether you love me, after this friday night, i'm now certain of it.
you need me the way you need oxygen and water, and the whole inability to wait was a very obvious sign since never before have
i made you so incredibly....weak. so when i asked if you were in love with her, point blank, and you replied "i'm in love with
no one." i caught the hesitation in that reply and the quiet decible at which you said it, and i now know that you lie to my face,
repeatedly, to save face. which to me is completely senseless since i'm so in love with you the weight of that would like strangle me,
and you should quit fighting off my affections and just let me love you. i'm sorry that i'm t a loss to control my gentle poke of the tip
of you huge, crooked nose, and i'm sorry i feel an inescapable urge to run my pale fingernails through your hair, and i'm sorry if i
love that dent in your chest and if i tease you about your name but it is your quirks that are endearing and the reason i love you.
and no, i was only kidding when i said i thought you were gay, but i meant what i said about falling in love with you.
just stop pretending you don't miss me when i'm not there and i'll be happy.
and don't cite the fact you depress me as reason to restrict our secretive activities. i am a depressive and i love to be depressed,
and your unfortunate situation and your cold selfish heart and icy personality depress me so beautifully and make such a pretty murder
of our feelings that it really gives my life here a deeper meaning. and without you to be depressed about, i'd never get to be happy
because i'd never get to be depressed....so i wish you'd make me happier and depress me more with some urgent admittance of need
or a desperate attempt to have me, even if we both know your name may just as well be branded into me.
i have come to realize any car accident, murder, or drug overdose on the five o'clock news could be you...so let me love you while i still
have the strenght to do it. you need it now, the lve or the comfort of knowing it's there. and with you on your own now, nothing could make me
more happy than a sweet little request to help with laundry or to come visit at work with silly surprises....after all, what am i here for if not
for that and for you?
you're blind not to see it, but i'm your future and i wouldn't let me go too quickly if i were you.
i'd give away me and my life and my ambition for your happiness, always remember that....and i'm not planning to leave worcester now....so really, if
you're sad, lonely...the way you sometimes say you are...put our three years to bed and ask me to committ myself to you for good and i will and i would
expect nothing like that from you, just that you'd let me help because it's all i've ever wanted.

i love you, pumpkin

(1SmOke oNe | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

19th January 2006

10:28pm: guess what?
hi. my name is liz. i'm not especially remarkable, or extremely beautiful or talented or intelligent. in fact, i'm none
of those things...i'm very average. but, however, i am extremely lucky....why??

because i am in love with the most amazing boy ever.

i love you jake ♥

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

3rd January 2006

10:41am: if i don't say it enough, or if i don't tell you for months at a time, if i try to be cute and play little games with you by dissapearing, ignoring phone calls, not answering texts, or stringing you along at all hours of the night saying i'll come to see you when you know i never will, and the only reason i won't is because if i did i don't think i would ever want to leave...just remember, that even on the days months and weeks when i act like i give a fuck less about you, or whats wrong with you or whether you're okay or feeling well or happy, remember that i love you, but more importantly, that i like you. i love you out of obligation, i do it because i have to, because if i didn't love you what kind of cruel heartless bitch would i be?? i really like you, every part of you, for everything you are and everything you've been and for all, i'm sure, that you'll be in the future. and i didn't really want to tell you this, but the truth is you are always on my mind, and no other boy, no matter how nice or how cute, will evercome close to you, and believe me i think some might have tried. liking someone is a very fickle thing, but when it comes to you, i've never disliked you, not sincerely at least. sure, i've been mad or dissapointed, but anger is transient...and when i've told you, all of those times, that "i could never be mad at you" i really never can be because the thought of your big stupid nose alone makes me feel like all of my organs are turning into melty ice cream and all of my pissed-offedness just sort of drips away...and most nights, i dream about you, and almost without fail you are the last person on my mind at night and the first person on my mind in the morning....i'm so excited to get up lately because it means getting to take a shower, and now even showers have pleasant memories for me...thats my point, really...certainly, i'm usually a very happy cheerful person, but if i'm with you or thinking of you it's like looking at the world while on the best acid trip of anyone's life...the grass is greener, the sky is bluer, and my "problems" don't seem NEARLY as bad...and i would like you no matter what, even if you were an 800 pound furry beast or a two foot tall green mutant covered with warts, you would still be jake and i would still find myself compelled to want you, more than i've ever wanted anything before....and i know i sound crazy, i probably am crazy, but love makes us all crazy anyways...so next time you are feeling lonely, or sad, just remember there's at least one person in the world who likes you unconditionally....and who would like nothing better than to have you call here so she can talk about how perfect you really are.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

22nd December 2005

10:37pm: giving...
too often in today's society, we are selfish, ambitious takers constantly wanting more for ourselves
while not only ignoring but jeporadizing the needs of others, including family and friends. while
i will never be one to say ignore yourself, and submit yourself completely to pleasing others
and exceeding their expectations and demands, it is in ways important to be a kind and generous person. for me, there
was always a fine line between kindly generosity and acting as a doormat for other people. all my life, i've
catered to what other people wanted, i have changed myself multiple times, ignored myself, acted differently
to gain approval from others or simply to be liked. the reality of that approach is that it has only hurt me,
and i now have zero self-confidence, cannot make a decision out of fear of rejection, either do not feel anything
or feel too much for a person, am overly critical of myself, and am far too willing to do whatever it is that will
please others and win me their approval. so instead of going through yet another year of this, i realized i should give a gift
to myself and actually be who i am. and if i am a bit too trusting and a bit too nice for my own good, then that's who i am.
i will no longer apologize for existing, for being pretty, for being smart, or for being well-off. and i've finally gotten enough
confidence in myself to say those things. and now that i finally like who i am, and like the smart, independant young woman i'm
becoming, i am finally starting to like the world we live in. and this new outlook led me to the more important conclusion of selfless
giving to others. christmas should not be about gifts, parties, money, and the commercialism that pervades it in the developed world.
christmas is about loving others, and looking past whatever faults they have or differences, and seeing that like you, they are also
people, and they deserve kindness and a polite show of christmas cheer. As americans, we have been programmed to spend 364 days a year
advancing our positions in life by taking, taking, taking. It is not too much to ask that even just one day, we give back to others
all that we have received. Though you could never repay a lifetime of literal and figurative gifts in one day, you could at least
try to be kind and hapy and helpful to others. And as a way of producing good karma, and actually improving your life and your outlook
on it, maybe you could try being just a small bit kinder each day. The world would be a better, happier place and people would
be much happier with life. This is not to say you will never be angry or upset, that is only natural. The key to being angry is to be angry
at the right person at the right time in the right place for the right reason. Every other angry feeling istrivial and just detracts from
the potential kindness you could be putting into the world.
Today, I realized the true meaning of christmas at work. There is no reason at all not to smile and say "Have a nice holiday" to every customer,
whether they are rude, polite, or indifferent. Surprisingly, nearly everyone says it back. This just proves kindness is the only thing capable
of always connecting two people. Love is the great equalizer and the human common denominator, and love is the reason for christmas. Give to others
out of love, not out of obligation. Give the things that count-a smile, a hug, a kind word of encouragement. Give them more and more, even when it
isn't christmas, and pretty soon it will become a lovely personal attribute for life.
Kindnessreally is the only thing that will save us all in the end, and i guess it is best to start now as opposed to later.
Merry Christmas ♥

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

4:55pm: what a nice surprise....
i've not updated in awhile because well, i moved...to millbury. i like my house
(it is the first time i've lived in a real house other than my grandparents when i was younger)
it's nice to have a new bed, and a closet, and brand new bathrooms. my dog seems to like
it outside, too.
finally i got internet, which is good since i couldn't do my online classwork. but i logged in
today to find i got a 96, which i'm most proud of. i also got my PSAT scores back...1240 or 1860,
however you look at it.College isn't very far away at all...I'm really very excited....

Christmas is soon.I got people really nice gifts this year so i'm very excited. After that, I'll be gone
until January 3rd. Then midterms, which i'm also excited for.

I really should go to get ready for work, though...if I know McDonalds, every stupid person (which is the entire staff
minus nikki, eric, sasha, and myself) will be providing bad customer service and cooking the fries wrong. God knows
no matter how many times you train someone, they'll just never learn. pathetic.

then it's off to justice tomorrow. (:

merry christmas!

p.s. jake since we're not talking or rather haven't talked since saturday,
if you do happen to see this i just wanted to say merry christmas and i love you.

p.p.s. KATE LYONS-i heard about chuggins. i'm really sorry. i hope that he is okay. i wish i knew
something to say, but i just hope that he is comfortable and that you and him have a nice Christmas.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

3rd November 2005

11:09pm: disgusting...
chuck it is about time you started to grow up. you're 20 years old and you still act like you're in junior high. it is sad and pathetic. and YES, i did make a fake myspace out of you. however, it only had info on it for two days then i deleted it. and i did it because you deserved it. and you ARE a statutory rapist, HATE to break it to you. i don't really know why you're so angry at me, after i found i fake xanga MADE BY YOU entitled "lizwantstoknow"
nice job, you shallow egomaniacal hypocrite. next time you're going to criticize me, be sure it's for something you haven't done yourself.
i can't believe i honestly thought you were my friend. i was so, so wrong. you're so immature it's sad. and you know what, you can call me an "adolescent girl" all you want, you were wrong and you know it. and also, you know NOTHING about me, where i came from, or what i've been through. you've had EVERYTHING handed to you your entire life. lucky for you, your mom and dad made it simple for you. chuck, you don't realize how good you had it. you've hardly worked a day in your life, you graduated from bancroft, you go to WPI, you're smart, and you haven't made any major mistakes or had anything tragic happen to you yet.try taking a walk in my shoes. i don't want your sympathy, i want you to understand you have NO RIGHT to judge me.

i really could have let everything go, if that had been all you did. but it wasn't. you brought jake into this. YOU BROUGHT HIM INTO IT. YOU ALWAYS DO. and to me, that is not only sleazy, but IMMATURE, RUDE, AND DISRESPECTFUL. i thought jake was "your friend." some friend you are, throwing his name into the middle of a fight between you and i that has nothing to do with him. yet you always bring him up. as far as i'm concerned, jake-even with his faults-is SO FAR above you as a person that you're not even worthy to let his name come out of your mouth. the fact that you bring up your "friend" to me just to get a reaction out of me is PATHETIC. jake, who has less of an obligation to be considerate of my feelings, has very rarely ever intentionally hurt my feelings. you do all the time. all jake has ever been to me is kind and understanding. all jake has ever been to you is kind and understanding. well, when you brought his perfectly good name into this, that was when i realized exactly how low you were.

good luck chuck. you're going to fucking need it at the rate you're going.

(1SmOke oNe | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

13th October 2005

10:13pm: & i miss you so much it hurts
today.....i just couldn't think about you, because i know if i did, i would
have lost it....kate asked me how i was today in the hall-THE ONLY person who
asked me....at least she cares....drew i know you care too. i felt you with me,
all day....i know you're still here. every day i pray for you, every day i talk
to you...i feel you everywhere, and i keep you safe in my heart, knowing that
one day, i'll see you again....i love you, and i'm sorry. sorry for everything,
but mostly sorry that God took you away from all of us so quickly....i know you're
in heaven, watching us down here, and soon it will be my turn to go too. when God
calls me home, drew, i can only hope you'll be there waiting for me.

now i'll just mark the passing of time, and of my life, with the next october 13th
that goes by like any other normal day, except it isn't a normal day, because a year
ago, you died....and i died with you....and since my reason to believe in myself is
gone, i don't believe in anything, anymore, except that if i try hard enough to be
a good person, then maybe when it is my time to come home, God will let me go home
to you. i love you drew, RIP.

(1SmOke oNe | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

11th October 2005

11:31pm: sorry, i never told yOu.....
dear drew,
on thursday, it will be one year since you've been gone. tomorrow will be a year
since the last time i ever heard your voice while you were alive. sometimes, i
feel you listening to me when i pray or have my chats with God, which alot of
people think i'm crazy for doing, but now their opinions don't really matter.
you taught me how to stop caring about what others think of me, how to eliminate
the negative criticism and focus on the positive....you taught me how to take
advice and how to take a compliment, but most importantly, you taught me that
inside, i was a really good person, and that there was something inside of me-
almost like a light-that i could make brighter by trying to make better decisions
in my life and helping others. you gave me a reason to like myself, you gave me a
reason to try to forgive myself-because i was the one person i simply could not
forgive. you changed me-not for your own benefit, but for mine-and you made me into
the strong, composed, intelligent, free-thinking young lady that stands in front of
this fucked up world every day. i am NOT perfect, but you made me realize that
perfection is of little importance when you can learn to love yourself as you are.
you taught me to never fear myself, my judgements, or my own mistakes. because of you,
i can look at myself in the mirror, and like the person looking back at me. you made me stronger,
you made me smarter, you made me better, you made me unafraid. the things you gave me i will
have forever, for the rest of my life. you gave me back myself, and for that, there are no
words that would ever express how much i love you or how thankful i am that i knew you.
you were only here for 19 short years, but you changed more lives in that short amount of time
than i could ever hope to touch in the very long lifetime i hope i have ahead of me.
i think of you in almost every thing i do, i remember you when i do something selfless or kind,
and at night, at the end of the day, i never forget to say thank you. i don't know if you can hear me-
i don't know where you are, but if God sent you to anywhere except heaven, then there is no hope for
even the saintliest of us-you were as close to blessed as anyone in this world could be.
I will never understand why God took you the way that he did, I will never know why it was your time to go,
but God has his reasons, and some of them we aren't meant to understand....Your death is something I don't
understand, but i guess God needed you on his all-star salvation team. I'm sure your saving lost souls up
there, Drew....(: After all, i was as lost as they come and you miraculously saved me.
Many people don't realize that I'm so religious. I think most people would probably call me a "Jesus-Freak"
but when you went home to God, i felt that it was a wake up call to me. Drew, you saved my life, though you
could not save your own....your experience has made me that much more certain that i want to be a doctor.
They couldn't help you, or bring you back, but that does not mean i can't spend the rest of my life trying to
help others....I know you would be pleased to hear this. I only want to make you proud, since without you,
I would have been six feet under a few years ago. You gave me a new outlook on life, and for that i am so happy.

I never had the chance to tell you everything i had wanted to while you were alive. I always thought you would be here.
Now, you're gone. And i can;t be sure that you hear this, I can only pray, and hope that God somehow gets the message to you.
I haven't gone to your grave yet, because i don't want to remember you in death....i just want to remember you alive, the way
you were. Somehow, deep inside, I know you're not really dead....you just come back in different people, in different places,
in different forms. I see you in other people's eyes-always, all the time....you're there, looking back at me. you're the goodness
in those people, and i find i am always shocked by it. I see parts of you in myself-in my smile, in my eyes. I will never foget you,
and I will never stop loving you. I know you're no longer here, but you are somewhere-and wherever that place is, one day i'll be there
with you, and i will finally have the chance to tell you everything i feel, and everything i always wanted to say but was never strong
enough to actually do it. I feel you watching over me, with every step and every breath, i feel you next to me. And i know that i'm safe,
and i know that you are safe, because i keep you here with me, and i've refused to let you go. i never will. you changed me-you made me
who i am. and for that, i will ALWAYS love you.

you have a very special role in my life, and a very special place inside of me. you are the blood rushing thru my veins, and although jake's
name is the one i feel most strongly every time my heart beats, yours is the only name that makes me smile and makes me feel true hapiness.
you loved me, unconditionally and without question. and for this, i love you unfailingly, and with persistence. you may not be here
to receive that love, but i know somewhere out there, God is making sure that it finds someone deserving. One day, i'll see you Drew...until
then, i love you, and i miss you, and i'm sorry. RIP.
{until the day we meet again, in my heart is where i keep yOu...}

(4SmOke oNes | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

10th October 2005

4:21pm: some things don't stay the same, but you-you NEVER change....
i was having a really, REALLY good weekend, away from all of the stupid usual idiocy....thursday
me and kasie went to friendly's with ene and i actually had a good time....kasie was nice enough to come
with me to see my brother practice and go to the track meet, which i really appreciated, because
her and i are not very close at all anymore but she was alot nicer to me than some people have been lately...friday
night was good too, i took katie out for a bit and then me and my cousin went out...we went to see bobby heipt in elm
park?? lol i love that kid....he broke up with his girlfriend though, and i feel sort of bad because i think he might
be kind of lonely....saturday was really good....i hung out all night and day with these two really awesome girls who i
LOVE to death (: sunday me and my other special friend(wink wink) hung out and after i went to the mall to do more christmas shopping
(for myself lol..."santa" lets me pick out my stuff) then i came home and got ready and i popped by miss jessie's house where
miss lizzie and her were hanging out....lol lizzie walked out in a blanket....that girl is TAPPED lol (: then after that i looked for my cousin
and found her and then i popped up at the movies and i saw emily rose(second time lol) with kate and kathleen and val and steven....i looove
kate she's soooo funny. on the way home i got wendy's. then i got lost in this sketchy neighborhood(no, it was SKETCHY. sketchier than mine)
and that was when you called me. okay....s i'm glad you're home or whatever. it's nice to hear. see the thing is, you're like a year too late...
i really don't care. i'm happy you're not dead, i'm glad that i'm not going to your funeral, but you really need to start growing up. you honestly think
you can run off to iraq or wherever the fuck you have been for the last year, then come back and expect not just me but fucking everyone else in your
life to be exactly the way they were when you left? sorry but things CHANGE. your mom had a baby while you were gone, your friends grew up and went to college,
and me?? i moved ON....like i always do. and yes, i will admit i was fucking lost, i was completely dead when you left, but at this point i'm USED to being
alone and i am used to having people leave me or use me or walk in and out of my life like i'm door....and although this really isn't your fault, right now
is the worst possible time for this to happen....it will be a year since drew has died on thursday....and i'm finally starting to get around to realizing
that i hate jake and i don't particularly like certain people i call "friends" but now there's you....i feel bad, somewhere inside me, i do feel bad for you.
but you chose that, you allowed it, and i just can't justify your choice as being a good or healthy one. to be honest, i don't really feel things for you anymore,
either....maybe somewhere, inside, i still might love you, but i'm not in love with you....to be honest, i'm not in love with anyone anymore....
i downright fucking hate jake and i feel pretty close to the same about you....i don't trust too many other people, either, just a few of my closer
friends and my cousin and my mom every now and then. you had alot to do with this, and i hope you're happy to see how you've affected our lives
with what you've done....i don't FEEL anymore and your parents don't LOVE anymore....they might have had another child, but they lost one in the process...
and for all of us, you were a LOSS....
but like i said, my life is one loss after another, a continual failure.....it doesn't hurt anymore, just more of a dull sort of weight....i feel
it when i lay down at night, when i look back over the day, and try to find a reason to do something other than nothing at all. there are no reasons.
i don't smile and i don't cry. i don't feel things either way and to me, that is the worst part of it. it's just emptiness and coldness, always...
it never ends...and no one, or anything fixes it or defrosts what i chose to freeze over so long ago....these days, it takes more and more to make
me feel even functional anymore-anything to fill the hole inside....the only thing that really works at all is a hug, or a nice phone call asking how
i am. it's funny that me-the one who is aware of everyone ekse's feelings, me the nice one, the quiet one-i'm always the one people forget to remember...
it's interesting how the people you are not the closest to are the ones who realize you need them the most....you know who you are, thank you for taking
the time out of your weekend to hang out with me....i had alot of fun....thanks for caring, because an awful lot of people in my life don't care at all....
lea thanks for the im today and kate thanks for the invite last night...it meant alot <3

(2SmOke oNes | lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

6th October 2005

8:12pm: i'm really fucking tired of being nice to people who don't even notice me.

(lIfE iS lIkE a cIgaRetTe)

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